My post, Performing Monkeys, generated several comments that stimulated more of my own thoughts about the topic of children as entertainment. I described the adult reactions in that video of Sydney testifying before her school board as “amused condescension”.
Erik Haugsjaa, a Sudbury Valley School parent and blogger, posted a link to my post on his blog, and wrote, “It’s hard to resist amused condescension, but it’s the right thing to do. It’s powerful to treat kids as equals.” In an email exchange with me, he also observed that because kids are cute, there is probably a biological impulse for adults to want to take care of the little ones.
I agree with him that adults are often delighted and indulgent with little kids, even ones that are not related to them–even the little ones of different species as the thousands of cute animal videos on youtube demonstrate. (The desire to care for the small and cute is not limited to humans. On the internet, you can find several examples of mammals and birds caring for the young of other species.) Adults also tend to give little kids more slack and time for play and discovery, than they allow older kids and adults.
My concession to re-posting cute animal photos
A friend commented that he felt annoyed watching the video of Sydney’s speech, because he figured the adults were not even listening closely to her speech, knowing they didn’t have to pay attention to one of the “powerless”. Although adult affection and delight was clearly in the mix of reactions, I believe what my friend noticed was also there.
Adult affection and care for children is a wonderful, necessary thing. What too often happens is that we get stuck at children’s cuteness and the spectacle of them doing something for the first time. Maybe because many of us weren’t taken seriously when we were children, we have not developed the skills to attend to the serious business that children engage in as they figure out something new, navigate their own and others’ complex emotions, make sense of the surrounding culture, and work to develop meaningful relationships with other children and adults.
It takes conscious effort to see the cute kid in front of us and also observe with curiosity, listen deeply and interact with her or him as a human being rather than as an entertaining (or annoying) object. Children can feel the difference in the quality of attention. They want to engage as equal human beings by sharing their thoughts, their passions, their accomplishments, their wit, their observations. Many respond with enthusiasm because so few adults are really interested in them as whole people.
It is a rewarding experience to really interact with a child and feel the fullness of that person responding. Words are not necessary. A smile and a gaze that communicates, “I see you and am curious about the person you are,” is something every one of us needs and deserves, whatever our age.
The original post (Performing Monkeys) got me thinking very seriously about something that has bothered the hell out of me since joining my local UU church – it’s something called Time for All Ages. At the beginning of the service, young children are called to the front of the sanctuary, instructed to sit on the floor, and are then read a moralizing story. The person doing the reading often asks the kids questions about what they understand about the story, and inevitably at least one kid goes off on some tangent that they can’t keep to themselves. Since this isn’t part of the plan to have the kids advance the narrative, the kid is usually met with a pained patience and are cut off in the middle of their story.
I understand that this ritual is meant to improve our young people’s morals and is done with kindness and good intentions, but the condescension and impatience irritates me every time I see it. I also mind that so many adults believe that their children will not develop UU values without years of instruction. We were all officially asked, via email, to keep and eye on all children and intervene when one kid is being treated poorly by another.
I now feel like I have to say something. I’m in the minority, and I’m not excited to question the practice, but it isn’t right that I stay quiet. I don’t know whether to thank or curse you, Shawna.
Wow, Karen, your story brings up memories of very similar things I experienced as a kid. I always hated being moralized to, even though I dutifully sat there quietly and parroted back answers that would make the adults feel successful. I also remember disliking the tangents other kids went off on because it just made the whole unbearable thing even longer. I empathize with your dilemma, plus I can imagine the adults involved in that charade will feel defensive about it. You are a brave and honest woman, Karen. All I can do is cheer you on, so feel free to curse me if it helps. 😉
Great followup to original post. Appreciate the clarification and expansion.